Changes

So I swear in to the local volunteer fire department tomorrow.

I'm pretty excited, as well as more than a little nervous. Some pretty major questions about myself are on the verge of being answered, and now I'm not so confident that I really want to know the answers. That's probably just nerves and lack of confidence talking. I come from a long line of first responders and front line personnel. My dad was a firefighter/paramedic for 25 years, my grandfather was a fighter pilot in WWII, my uncle was a cop for 27 years, my cousin is currently deployed in Iraq...I feel that civil service runs in my blood and that I will find myself surprisingly at home in that world.

At least, that's what I hope. There's always the possibility, of course, that this may go horribly wrong for me. I could freeze up at a crucial moment or otherwise embarass myself. I may find myself too frozen with fear to run into a fire. I may not be able to stomach the grisliness of a car accident. And I know it's supposed to be bad juju to say it, but I may even die. That part doesn't bother so much; I just hope that if that's what's in the cards for me, then it happens in a way that does some good for someone else.

Truth is, I don't really know what to expect. No one does. The only thing I know is that it looks like my life is in for some big changes. But I know what I'm hoping for.

I'm hoping doing this will really let me see what type of person I really am. I'm hoping that doing this will bring me a little closer to my dad and help me understand him a little better now that he's gone. I'm hoping my dad is looking down at me and approves. I hope my dad is proud. I'm hoping doing this will allow me to look at myself in the mirror and not feel disappointed by what I see. I'm hoping I can walk with my head held a little higher. I'm hoping the people I love will be proud of me. I'm hoping I like the person I'm going to find out I really am. I'm hoping doing this will show me a way to let you go, let me move on and have a shot at loving someone who loves me back. I'm hoping doing this will make you realize what I'm offering you and have you come running back to me. I'm hoping to impress chicks. I'm hoping to finally find that one thing in life that I love to do, and do it well. I'm hoping people will take me a little more seriously. I'm hoping maybe you'll notice me. I'm hoping to feel like I'm accomplishing something useful and productive to the world at large. I'm hoping I'm doing this for the right reasons.

But mainly, I'm hoping I don't fuck this up.