Lumos

Like old, great friends who haven't spoken in years, but somehow seem to pick up the threads right where they left off, let's just go ahead and dive into this thing, yea?

So I'm talking via text with my cousin the other day. One of my proudest accomplishments being that I have successfully been able to get him hooked on the Harry Potter series, and he's been tearing through those books like wildfire. He's currently starting book 6. So anyway, the other day, he's at some art festival or whatever, and feels something drop on his foot. He picks up a business card that has landed on his shoe, and asks the guy next to him if it's his. The guy responds that he thinks the girl who just walked by dropped it. So my cousin looks at the card and notices there's a small sticker attached to it with a handwritten "D.A." Now, if you're familiar with the Potter books, you know this stands for "Dumbledore's Army". He texts me the story along with a pic of the card,and we laugh about it.

But here's the thing:

Secretly, inside, I was a little upset. Because all my life I've had to hide the fact that I love nerdy, geeky things like the Potter series, Doctor Who, comic books, and video games, among my many other nerdy pursuits. I got nothing but made fun of for my interests. And now here comes my cousin, who never shared any of my interests and would good naturedly tease me about them, and he hasn't even finished reading the series yet, and he's already getting hit on by Harry Potter nerd girls.

I mean, what the fuck, right?

Now, I do not begrudge him this bit of flirting. It's not his fault, he didn't ask for it, and wasn't planning on it. But I can't help but feel a bit pissy when I think about how all I've ever wanted is a girl who shares at least some of my interests, and it seems like they're extinct anywhere I go. And now, even though he doesn't even go out looking for this (he already has a girlfriend), it just falls right in his lap. And, by his own admission, he is still new to the whole geek life thing! I mean, honestly.

And I don't want to really mention it to him, because I don't want to make him feel bad. He's had to deal with a lot of my bullshit lately, and I don't want to add to it. But I can't help but feel like someone is just twisting that knife.

I don't know. It just feels like lately I have all this anger and this pain, and it's all just right under the surface these days, ready to come flying out at the slightest provocation or excuse.

I honestly don't know if I'm ever going to be okay again.